Did I imagine it all?

It is impossible, tiring and heartbreaking to try and make someone love you. And then if they do succumb to your love-me-please antics, who says you will ever be secure in their feelings for you?
Two things two friends told me this week about forced love:
1. Its like you're banging your head against a wall in an attempt to go through. Hurting yourself so badly...whilst you could walk on, find a door and walk through to love.
2. A man must love me first. I must submit to his love.

Though the second one sounds so sexist and old fashioned,at this point in my life, I feel its a safety net I could use when choosing who to entertain in the first place. My heart falls easily, no matter what my head says...I've just always been the one who loves more. Perhaps I am drawn to people I need to fight for...

Like Olivia Pope so properly put it "I don't want normal and easy and simple. I want painful, difficult, devastating, life- changing, extraordinary love.”
Maybe the passion can wait for later...cos heartbreak from a one sided fight is mostly humiliating and leaves one wondering if they made up all those conversations and feelings and connections.

In the end,I don't want someone who isn't sure they want me.
I will be loved.

My house rules.

One of my biggest peeves is nonchalant diggers of the nose. Especially in my house. I...just don't even know what to say or do when I see it happen. My eyes have this thing of never missing the action. Time slows down as the digger raises their hand...manicured or rough, lifts the index finger and aligns it with nose hole. Inserts it. 

The horror! 

At the point when they're about to remove the finger, I sort of look away (by divine grace), so I don't get to catch at glimpse of their prized boogie.  Then I watch them roll it, and ultimately, satisfied with their perfectly rounded boogie-art, flick it...somewhere, who cares where??

Most times its  onto my rug, my prized white wool rug. I know at this moment that regardless what time they leave, I will be up and taking the rug out for a vigorous, unhappy shake. The image never leaves my mind!

Why do people do that though? Renda sometimes does it. I don't know where he learnt it, but I've seen him do it. I tell him to get tissue cos his finger isn't tissue. No matter how many times or how good you stick your finger in your nose, it will never be tissue! I'd just like for you to be considerate when you visit me and not flick your boogers on my couch or floor or anything. Its ok if you use your finger for  cleaning your nose, its your right...but please, then don't touch my stuff. I don't want your sticky nose excrement-dust on my remote or house. You must admit, it does look shiny....that's cos I like it that way, no dust, no boogers. I hope you're ok with this friend. I love you.

And please don't fart nje freely in my house. Hold it til you go out or to the bathroom. Seriously. I don't do it with you there mos. Why do you feel so free with me vele? What is it about my demeanor that has you thinking it is ok to do such in my presence? Decorum honey. You will NEVER be that close to me. 

 I do not wonder about the sounds and smells your bum is capable of producing. Especially while we're sitting on my couch...when suddenly random tremors happen to me and have me wondering what's up...I mean, c'mon! This goes for both ladies and men. Its disorientating. Don't ever be that free...I must be allowed to not be exposed to things I find unsettling in the place I use most of my money at shouldn't I?

It will take away from the amazing experience I try to give you just for gracing my house love!

Don't demand I give you my stuff either. Its mine. I cannot afford you. Lets be nice friends. As a single mother, I cannot donate stuff I use to you. Ever. 

Selfish, silly, tight fisted, whatever you wanna label it...just...don't take me for that friend with excess. I really am not her. 

And don't dirty my house. Don't be a pig. Such a spic n span house and you splash stuff all over? Really?

Y'know...home training is meant for adults. Not kids. Teach your kids to leave people's stuff alone. I am THAT person that doesn't want you to touch their soap an won't touch yours either. Its mine....please just allow.

I do give a lot. Wait friend, maybe I'm gonna offer. Don't take my stuff. You don't look like Renda, don't be acting like I gave birth to you.

Treat my house like you'd treat the house of a guy you like who likes you that you are visiting the first time. But do remember, we aint 'pleasin each other boo'...behave yourself. Or just don't come. I am perfectly capable of enjoying its charms out of your presence. *holy houuuuuse*

I hope this isn't me being 'uptight' 'again'. Cos if that's how you see it...eehhh...I don't know how not to be uptight and you may do well by replacing me in your life ju see. Can things be different from now on please. Pretty Thanks *blows kisses*

So...that's me...and my house rules. Do you have any?

To my dear friend with marriage problems

A wise friend once told me to not allow myself to be the one people always call on when they have problems. She reckons people sometimes end up associating you with their issues. At that time trying her best to not tell me again about the drama with her man. At that time I didn't really understand what she meant. Fortunately for us, perhaps because there were more happy stories shared than sad between us, I never felt like I was only relevant in bad days.

I may have spoken about this before...or I may just have kindly told a friend to not do it to me. If I did say it to anyone one-on-one, then I'm almost certain it was probably to this same friend who has me feeling so weighed down again.

Dear friend,

It makes me sad, angry and sad again to hear only your bad news. I feel used, like a crapper. 

Why me though? Do I display tendencies of a man hater who only enjoys hearing about how horrible other people's men are and advising them to get-to-stepping? Is it because I am an expert relationship talk-downer? I sincerely hope not.

I love love and men and relationships. I hate hearing how horrible your man is my friend. I don't want to get grey hair early. Actually, its just not my biz...at all.  Tell your mom...or your pastor. 

Why is it you only think of me when he's being bad? Its the third time now. Both times were followed by the birth of a baby. Both times I heard about the joyous new addition waaay later...or towards the baby shower.

Its very unfair dear friend. Please come to me when you're happy in your life. 

I am not willing to hear your problems at all. You weighed me down by just that one line. 'X is a bastard'. Please tell your best lady from the wedding...isn't that her job in your marriage? Or let's decide to share this man sommer.

I had to vent. Please go and calm down. When you come back, first apologise for doing this to me. I've never done this to you. Why do you do it to me?

♡Chino

For anyone else who feels the need to share with me, do remember I have two therapists I tell my crap to. Get one. 

I'm done. 

Don't hate, be inspired.

In life we sometimes experience things that make us so proud for different reasons that we celebrate with those who love us. When you love someone, their joy makes you happy. In this modern  day with technology and social networking and families being away from each other, sometimes the only way  to share these moments is via the social networks. The trouble there is, not everyone is your cousin or your real friend…some people are just acquaintances that may not really know who you are. It just so happens that we all have these people our lives. Let’s call them ‘frenemies’. When your frenemies see some of these ‘celebratory’ posts, they may feel you are showing off…in a bad way. Now, the only reason one would feel like that is if whatever you posted is something they wish they had.

Look at it this way: If you constantly posted pictures of a loaf of bread, you would irritate frenemies cos…duhh, ‘why should we see your bread, we all have bread in our houses’. However, if you constantly posted pictures of your newest completed degree, your lavish lifestyle, your amazing weight loss or even your amazing child who plays the flute at City Hall concerts, then you’re dubbed a show off. Although to your cousins and your aunts and your friend who's far, it’s you keeping in touch, keeping them in the loop. They’re happy to see those pictures!

One just can never win with the human race.  This is why in this day and age, an important lesson to learn is to ‘Do You’.

Post what makes you happy. It’s not your fault that the world has become so open and almost everyone has become privy to what’s going on in your life. I mean, were it not for social networks, you’ll realise that those people that don’t find your presence particularly exciting wouldn’t have to see you and neither would you them.

Envy is a human emotion and everyone goes thru it now and then. However, it shouldn't make one an ugly person. You can channel this envy into zest to achieve those things you are wishing for, then you won’t think it’s such a big deal when a friend posts pictures of the new mega tv room in her house…cos mos you’ll have your own...or you won't cos you don't want a tv room...not cos you can't. You can work on having a  baby and post pictures of his milestones…well, maybe not a good idea to have a baby cos you’re envious of someone else’s baby…but you get my drift.

Then those posts that you once thought were brags, will become like the constant bread posts. Remember when people checking in and out of local airports used to annoy you cos ‘they’re showing off that they’re gonna be flying’ or Sandton City checkins? Now it’s normal, like a bread post…cos everyone can fly in and out and do their groceries in Sandton City(grudgingly even).

Of course there are brags too. But what the hell, its their page. Hide them from your newsfeed if you must…then ask yourself why their posts annoy you so much. Is it envy? Do you want what they posted too? Then gurl, go get it! 

Presents for who? For what? Where's mine???

Growing up, people used to come visit our house during school holidays. When these cousins came, they become part of whatever plans the household had for that holiday. Be it  clothes shopping or a getaway to an Aventura. This arrangement did not even have to be pre-planned and it was never considered an inconvenience…well except with an aunt of mine who would straight out ask my mom for bread money if I ever had to stay by her for a full day. I guess she was one of the first people to realise groceries ARE expensive and this child will be taking away two slices of bread to what my children would eat. A revolutionised mind indeed.

the following is said in the nicest possible way:

These days, with all the financial strain people are under and my generation’s difficulty in managing our finances, such impromptu visits can be quite upsetting. Aint no one got extra money for no one else’s kids. Now and then one will buy a toy for a birthday party or a random cute dress one spots while going around the mall. Renda has received gifts from exactly three of my friends. At his parties, most kids may drop off a R20 or a R50 but there is never any pressure nor dogging down of kids for their gifts. Kids these days don’t cry for a gift to take with to a party like we did. Cos people just can’t afford such anymore. Instead, people find other ways to honour friends on birthdays and such days. They may ring them (airtime and time used), or make an effort to show up (read petrol, outfit, flights) or find other ways of giving ‘love’ to their friends. One doesn’t throw a party or event to receive gifts right? Right? I hope I’m right. My presence should be enough. Time has become a higher commodity than money these days.

My friends and I generally just buy things for each other randomly. See a bag xx would like, buy it, courier it. It doesn’t even have to be on any special day. Same goes with their kids and them to mine. (Oh, I also had a secret Santa…who may have died recently and no one has bothered to let me know).

I think the way our people lived in the past has this repercussion of extended family or people that feel a kinship with you to expect you to give to them. Take for example the older lady who works in the same building with me who stops me randomly to ask me to bring her my shoes and clothes that I don’t wear...I am almost avoiding her now. Or the one who asked me for my old cellphone. Both these ladies don’t know my name and have never even asked me. I asked myself what about me made them think I had excess. I almost live hand-to-mouth-to-flight-to-Renda and hardly have excess for anything else with my one salary. 

Last week, while making calls for invites for an event my friend was having, a lady I called asked how much she needed to contribute. I replied that anything would be appreciated…cos that’s how I’d put it were it my event. When I told the event-lady-owner about this conversation, she was upset. She insisted I should have told the other lady the contribution for the event she was inviting us to should be R1000. Wow!

Do people easily have R1000 for your events? I guess I’m not working in the right place cos I just don’t have that kind of money waiting to contribute to meat at your party my friend. 

Once again I’m gonna suggest, park the event and buy the things you want others to buy you with that money.

PS. Please stop sending me baby party invites with gift registries and demands for gift cards. Do keep in mind I also have a child and I don't ask you for nothing for him.

Lets blame the ex girlfriend

I blame the ex-girlfriend for men who still can't kiss or stroke a woman right at this age. What has been happening all this time mara???

My friend is complaining about this new guy she has who apparently pinches and nudges painfully as foreplay. I've also had weird experiences on the rare times that I got off my high horse and let myself loose enough to have sex. In fact, I am starting to think bad sex is what makes me just decide to leave the whole messy issue.

Don't get me wrong, I have had explosive, toe wiggling, thigh trembling sex. I've also had moments where I'm in that bed thinking what the hell is happening here...or WHAT is he doing.

My friend says she decided to fake it with this guy so he could just get off and she could bake a cake or dust a cabinet or something. Anything to get over the humiliation of taking her undies off for what just happened. That's what usually ends up happening isn't it? 

Its just too much work and perhaps as women with our caring lil hearts we feel sorry for this man's ego and just fake it. Isn't it funny how no one has to teach women how to fake it? I read somewhere that many women go through life never reaching an orgasm...yet they still lay with that same man every night and never show an indication of their sexual dissatisfaction. I guess love trumps good sex any day.

It seems men are excited by the belief that they are satisfying a woman. And when we let them believe they are, the cycle continues and generously blessed men go through life believing size matters and they are God's gift to women because to them, penetration is THE way to satisfy a woman.

Can you imagine what a happy world we'd live in if women stopped faking it and showed men what pleasures them? I understand its always different strokes for different folks but pinching?? Is it 50 Shades part 2?

 Its the same with kissing. I've dated a man who, though 10 years older than me, would take the act of kissing as his opportunity to lodge his fat tongue in my throat and like a snake do weird things that were not only disturbing but also made me wanna gag and die at the same time.

So all the years before me, he had been doing that to women and they, like me, pretended to not find it weird and ended up subjecting ourselves to that torture many times a day. Shem he was sweet though.

I get that great sex takes having an emotional relationship with your partner as you have a connection of sorts and when a woman is in 'connection' it becomes very easy to please her gentlemen. 

I also get that not faking it and maintaining that hard to keep 'I'm just not feeling it' face may work against us. It may call upon the Casanova to do a second attempt with a flaccid penis that he prays will attend the party, or worse, the dreaded post-coital finger up yours. Where do men get these things thou? Porn films? Or am I being uptight again?

I blame the women before us for this trauma.

WHY hasn't anyone said anything???

Killing people is unacceptable!!

Killing someone is dumb. How does it make sense that their death will improve your life? There's those who kill people to shut them up cos they know things that could destroy them. That's why we don't hang out with shady characters who do things they know are wrong and expect us to just be their friggin Dear Diary.

Its the 'killing out of anger' that annoys me most. Whatever it is that you know that person did does not affect you physically, cannot be changed by their death and you 'getting even' with them, will definitely not revive your bruised ego.

Such decisions as deciding when another should exit are not light.

Growing up is realising that some things are just not for us to even think we can just do nje cos we have rights. The world is not your mother's house where you can have your own way whenever. Chill...and stop getting angry like you aren't well in your head. Even thinking 'I could kill him' should just not go into your head when someone upsets you. Tantrums that lead to killing are just unacceptable...nogal killing one who was once a friend. 

Grow up,you can find other ways to find peace with whatever situation you're in. That person does not control you that much.