Thursday, 6 September 2012

A glimpse into the journey

Is it possible for a mind to metamorphose? As in change and adapt to new ideas and thus change a person's way of thinking and their life? For the past few years I have been working on myself with themes. I go into the subject in depth, make analysis and then decide how I feel about it. This started with the decision to 'retire'. LOL.

After this I hit my lowest point. My purrfect relationship went downhill in a massive, embarrassing and painful way that led me to almost lose myself. It was at this point that I focused on listening, being still and waiting. Tjoooo, patience is NOT my greatest attribute and this process required piles and piles of it.
I read somewhere that being still and knowing God will untangle you is like, if Renda is playing with rope and gets himself tangled in it. When I try to untangle him and he continues wriggling, the rope might get even more tangled. Making it a longer process to untangle him.
So I kept completely still. I was stripped off anything I prided myself in. My mom did what she does best, take me in and take over. Friends dropped out of my life in loads and I was left with only a handful of them. I clung to the remaining ones for dear life and prayed. Its awesome how silly things became crucial then. Like sleeping over at Ilze's or Gawie's was not a happy-happy-sleepover anymore, I needed to prepare myself for this interview or be comforted. Mosotho buying me airtime was not a sweet gesture-it was a lifeline. Lipgloss came thru, smokes, dinners-my friends made sure I had. I remember Gawie would drive me to Venda only go to work the next day. One time I left Gawie's and went to Taz in Polokwane. We hooked up at Spur. While ordering the 1st drink, I got a call to be in Joburg the next day at 8am. I had been on my way to Venda for goodness sake. I was broke and tired. Taz filled my wallet and Taki came to the rescue. he left Venda at midnight so he could pick me up in Polokwane (2hours from Venda) and be on time for my 8am in Joburg. I made it, fresh, fed and clean.

I rose and was determined to find me.

Taki challenged me to learn to survive in my own skin. At the same time, I had decided to find out about this marriage institution that I had been hoping and praying to be in whilst in my relationship. I ran with these two themes til I had exhausted myself. This took almost two years.
Surviving in my skin means, if someone where to take me and put me in Zambia with only enough money to pay accommodation and food for a week, would I be able to establish myself and survive after that week? I immediately pranced to that challenge and took the job furthest from my support system at a lower salary than the banks would've given. The green bank took its time getting back to me. Blessing in disguise. I guess I have was dire, it was hard, it was scary...I did it.
I won't speak of the marriage findings here. Yet.

My mentor, mama, said 'Child, be yourself'. I was like ummmm...myself?myself?myself...I realised I lost sight of who 'myself' was a looong time ago. Thinking of it, I was a reader for the longest time. Its hard to be a reader and a social person at a the same time. I would sit and read at school breaks, in Vho Makhani's car...wherever. So, I wasn't too social. I had very few friends too. There was my friend across the library at home...because I would go there a lot. We both enjoyed reading so that was good. There was my cousins Lufuno and Mash...and there was my two friends hey...oh, and Tshilidzi (B)

In Gauteng, I had become this social person who was always up and down, parties, jols, alles...I liked whatever music the people who were in my life at that point liked and changed my favourite colour as I met friends. Anne says this is because I easily adapt to where I am.
Well, adapting that much was detrimental to me. I have learnt to use this gift positively.
Once I came down here, with all the pressure to impress and please gone. I breathed...I think I restarted...rebooted...and the original version came up. I'm still settling into this version. Its hard cos to those who spent many years with me in Gauteng, its a drastic change. I see things differently and some of the stuff I woulda done a 'Kill for Zuma' for are soo...futile.

I honestly think scientist should stop trying to clone stuff and find life on Mars and come study my brain. It amazes me errday shem. Valuable lessons I tell ya. Do you know they say I have bipolar disorder? LOL. My mom says nonswons. This is my child, she's like this. Leave her.

1 comment:

  1. And so it happens that the one who is talked about, would be the first to comment on the post. I was happy to have helped along the journey.