My house rules.

One of my biggest peeves is nonchalant diggers of the nose. Especially in my house. I...just don't even know what to say or do when I see it happen. My eyes have this thing of never missing the action. Time slows down as the digger raises their hand...manicured or rough, lifts the index finger and aligns it with nose hole. Inserts it. 

The horror! 

At the point when they're about to remove the finger, I sort of look away (by divine grace), so I don't get to catch at glimpse of their prized boogie.  Then I watch them roll it, and ultimately, satisfied with their perfectly rounded boogie-art, flick it...somewhere, who cares where??

Most times its  onto my rug, my prized white wool rug. I know at this moment that regardless what time they leave, I will be up and taking the rug out for a vigorous, unhappy shake. The image never leaves my mind!

Why do people do that though? Renda sometimes does it. I don't know where he learnt it, but I've seen him do it. I tell him to get tissue cos his finger isn't tissue. No matter how many times or how good you stick your finger in your nose, it will never be tissue! I'd just like for you to be considerate when you visit me and not flick your boogers on my couch or floor or anything. Its ok if you use your finger for  cleaning your nose, its your right...but please, then don't touch my stuff. I don't want your sticky nose excrement-dust on my remote or house. You must admit, it does look shiny....that's cos I like it that way, no dust, no boogers. I hope you're ok with this friend. I love you.

And please don't fart nje freely in my house. Hold it til you go out or to the bathroom. Seriously. I don't do it with you there mos. Why do you feel so free with me vele? What is it about my demeanor that has you thinking it is ok to do such in my presence? Decorum honey. You will NEVER be that close to me. 

 I do not wonder about the sounds and smells your bum is capable of producing. Especially while we're sitting on my couch...when suddenly random tremors happen to me and have me wondering what's up...I mean, c'mon! This goes for both ladies and men. Its disorientating. Don't ever be that free...I must be allowed to not be exposed to things I find unsettling in the place I use most of my money at shouldn't I?

It will take away from the amazing experience I try to give you just for gracing my house love!

Don't demand I give you my stuff either. Its mine. I cannot afford you. Lets be nice friends. As a single mother, I cannot donate stuff I use to you. Ever. 

Selfish, silly, tight fisted, whatever you wanna label it...just...don't take me for that friend with excess. I really am not her. 

And don't dirty my house. Don't be a pig. Such a spic n span house and you splash stuff all over? Really?

Y'know...home training is meant for adults. Not kids. Teach your kids to leave people's stuff alone. I am THAT person that doesn't want you to touch their soap an won't touch yours either. Its mine....please just allow.

I do give a lot. Wait friend, maybe I'm gonna offer. Don't take my stuff. You don't look like Renda, don't be acting like I gave birth to you.

Treat my house like you'd treat the house of a guy you like who likes you that you are visiting the first time. But do remember, we aint 'pleasin each other boo'...behave yourself. Or just don't come. I am perfectly capable of enjoying its charms out of your presence. *holy houuuuuse*

I hope this isn't me being 'uptight' 'again'. Cos if that's how you see it...eehhh...I don't know how not to be uptight and you may do well by replacing me in your life ju see. Can things be different from now on please. Pretty Thanks *blows kisses*

So...that's me...and my house rules. Do you have any?

To my dear friend with marriage problems

A wise friend once told me to not allow myself to be the one people always call on when they have problems. She reckons people sometimes end up associating you with their issues. At that time trying her best to not tell me again about the drama with her man. At that time I didn't really understand what she meant. Fortunately for us, perhaps because there were more happy stories shared than sad between us, I never felt like I was only relevant in bad days.

I may have spoken about this before...or I may just have kindly told a friend to not do it to me. If I did say it to anyone one-on-one, then I'm almost certain it was probably to this same friend who has me feeling so weighed down again.

Dear friend,

It makes me sad, angry and sad again to hear only your bad news. I feel used, like a crapper. 

Why me though? Do I display tendencies of a man hater who only enjoys hearing about how horrible other people's men are and advising them to get-to-stepping? Is it because I am an expert relationship talk-downer? I sincerely hope not.

I love love and men and relationships. I hate hearing how horrible your man is my friend. I don't want to get grey hair early. Actually, its just not my biz...at all.  Tell your mom...or your pastor. 

Why is it you only think of me when he's being bad? Its the third time now. Both times were followed by the birth of a baby. Both times I heard about the joyous new addition waaay later...or towards the baby shower.

Its very unfair dear friend. Please come to me when you're happy in your life. 

I am not willing to hear your problems at all. You weighed me down by just that one line. 'X is a bastard'. Please tell your best lady from the wedding...isn't that her job in your marriage? Or let's decide to share this man sommer.

I had to vent. Please go and calm down. When you come back, first apologise for doing this to me. I've never done this to you. Why do you do it to me?

♡Chino

For anyone else who feels the need to share with me, do remember I have two therapists I tell my crap to. Get one. 

I'm done. 

Don't hate, be inspired.

In life we sometimes experience things that make us so proud for different reasons that we celebrate with those who love us. When you love someone, their joy makes you happy. In this modern  day with technology and social networking and families being away from each other, sometimes the only way  to share these moments is via the social networks. The trouble there is, not everyone is your cousin or your real friend…some people are just acquaintances that may not really know who you are. It just so happens that we all have these people our lives. Let’s call them ‘frenemies’. When your frenemies see some of these ‘celebratory’ posts, they may feel you are showing off…in a bad way. Now, the only reason one would feel like that is if whatever you posted is something they wish they had.

Look at it this way: If you constantly posted pictures of a loaf of bread, you would irritate frenemies cos…duhh, ‘why should we see your bread, we all have bread in our houses’. However, if you constantly posted pictures of your newest completed degree, your lavish lifestyle, your amazing weight loss or even your amazing child who plays the flute at City Hall concerts, then you’re dubbed a show off. Although to your cousins and your aunts and your friend who's far, it’s you keeping in touch, keeping them in the loop. They’re happy to see those pictures!

One just can never win with the human race.  This is why in this day and age, an important lesson to learn is to ‘Do You’.

Post what makes you happy. It’s not your fault that the world has become so open and almost everyone has become privy to what’s going on in your life. I mean, were it not for social networks, you’ll realise that those people that don’t find your presence particularly exciting wouldn’t have to see you and neither would you them.

Envy is a human emotion and everyone goes thru it now and then. However, it shouldn't make one an ugly person. You can channel this envy into zest to achieve those things you are wishing for, then you won’t think it’s such a big deal when a friend posts pictures of the new mega tv room in her house…cos mos you’ll have your own...or you won't cos you don't want a tv room...not cos you can't. You can work on having a  baby and post pictures of his milestones…well, maybe not a good idea to have a baby cos you’re envious of someone else’s baby…but you get my drift.

Then those posts that you once thought were brags, will become like the constant bread posts. Remember when people checking in and out of local airports used to annoy you cos ‘they’re showing off that they’re gonna be flying’ or Sandton City checkins? Now it’s normal, like a bread post…cos everyone can fly in and out and do their groceries in Sandton City(grudgingly even).

Of course there are brags too. But what the hell, its their page. Hide them from your newsfeed if you must…then ask yourself why their posts annoy you so much. Is it envy? Do you want what they posted too? Then gurl, go get it! 

Presents for who? For what? Where's mine???

Growing up, people used to come visit our house during school holidays. When these cousins came, they become part of whatever plans the household had for that holiday. Be it  clothes shopping or a getaway to an Aventura. This arrangement did not even have to be pre-planned and it was never considered an inconvenience…well except with an aunt of mine who would straight out ask my mom for bread money if I ever had to stay by her for a full day. I guess she was one of the first people to realise groceries ARE expensive and this child will be taking away two slices of bread to what my children would eat. A revolutionised mind indeed.

the following is said in the nicest possible way:

These days, with all the financial strain people are under and my generation’s difficulty in managing our finances, such impromptu visits can be quite upsetting. Aint no one got extra money for no one else’s kids. Now and then one will buy a toy for a birthday party or a random cute dress one spots while going around the mall. Renda has received gifts from exactly three of my friends. At his parties, most kids may drop off a R20 or a R50 but there is never any pressure nor dogging down of kids for their gifts. Kids these days don’t cry for a gift to take with to a party like we did. Cos people just can’t afford such anymore. Instead, people find other ways to honour friends on birthdays and such days. They may ring them (airtime and time used), or make an effort to show up (read petrol, outfit, flights) or find other ways of giving ‘love’ to their friends. One doesn’t throw a party or event to receive gifts right? Right? I hope I’m right. My presence should be enough. Time has become a higher commodity than money these days.

My friends and I generally just buy things for each other randomly. See a bag xx would like, buy it, courier it. It doesn’t even have to be on any special day. Same goes with their kids and them to mine. (Oh, I also had a secret Santa…who may have died recently and no one has bothered to let me know).

I think the way our people lived in the past has this repercussion of extended family or people that feel a kinship with you to expect you to give to them. Take for example the older lady who works in the same building with me who stops me randomly to ask me to bring her my shoes and clothes that I don’t wear...I am almost avoiding her now. Or the one who asked me for my old cellphone. Both these ladies don’t know my name and have never even asked me. I asked myself what about me made them think I had excess. I almost live hand-to-mouth-to-flight-to-Renda and hardly have excess for anything else with my one salary. 

Last week, while making calls for invites for an event my friend was having, a lady I called asked how much she needed to contribute. I replied that anything would be appreciated…cos that’s how I’d put it were it my event. When I told the event-lady-owner about this conversation, she was upset. She insisted I should have told the other lady the contribution for the event she was inviting us to should be R1000. Wow!

Do people easily have R1000 for your events? I guess I’m not working in the right place cos I just don’t have that kind of money waiting to contribute to meat at your party my friend. 

Once again I’m gonna suggest, park the event and buy the things you want others to buy you with that money.

PS. Please stop sending me baby party invites with gift registries and demands for gift cards. Do keep in mind I also have a child and I don't ask you for nothing for him.

Lets blame the ex girlfriend

I blame the ex-girlfriend for men who still can't kiss or stroke a woman right at this age. What has been happening all this time mara???

My friend is complaining about this new guy she has who apparently pinches and nudges painfully as foreplay. I've also had weird experiences on the rare times that I got off my high horse and let myself loose enough to have sex. In fact, I am starting to think bad sex is what makes me just decide to leave the whole messy issue.

Don't get me wrong, I have had explosive, toe wiggling, thigh trembling sex. I've also had moments where I'm in that bed thinking what the hell is happening here...or WHAT is he doing.

My friend says she decided to fake it with this guy so he could just get off and she could bake a cake or dust a cabinet or something. Anything to get over the humiliation of taking her undies off for what just happened. That's what usually ends up happening isn't it? 

Its just too much work and perhaps as women with our caring lil hearts we feel sorry for this man's ego and just fake it. Isn't it funny how no one has to teach women how to fake it? I read somewhere that many women go through life never reaching an orgasm...yet they still lay with that same man every night and never show an indication of their sexual dissatisfaction. I guess love trumps good sex any day.

It seems men are excited by the belief that they are satisfying a woman. And when we let them believe they are, the cycle continues and generously blessed men go through life believing size matters and they are God's gift to women because to them, penetration is THE way to satisfy a woman.

Can you imagine what a happy world we'd live in if women stopped faking it and showed men what pleasures them? I understand its always different strokes for different folks but pinching?? Is it 50 Shades part 2?

 Its the same with kissing. I've dated a man who, though 10 years older than me, would take the act of kissing as his opportunity to lodge his fat tongue in my throat and like a snake do weird things that were not only disturbing but also made me wanna gag and die at the same time.

So all the years before me, he had been doing that to women and they, like me, pretended to not find it weird and ended up subjecting ourselves to that torture many times a day. Shem he was sweet though.

I get that great sex takes having an emotional relationship with your partner as you have a connection of sorts and when a woman is in 'connection' it becomes very easy to please her gentlemen. 

I also get that not faking it and maintaining that hard to keep 'I'm just not feeling it' face may work against us. It may call upon the Casanova to do a second attempt with a flaccid penis that he prays will attend the party, or worse, the dreaded post-coital finger up yours. Where do men get these things thou? Porn films? Or am I being uptight again?

I blame the women before us for this trauma.

WHY hasn't anyone said anything???

Killing people is unacceptable!!

Killing someone is dumb. How does it make sense that their death will improve your life? There's those who kill people to shut them up cos they know things that could destroy them. That's why we don't hang out with shady characters who do things they know are wrong and expect us to just be their friggin Dear Diary.

Its the 'killing out of anger' that annoys me most. Whatever it is that you know that person did does not affect you physically, cannot be changed by their death and you 'getting even' with them, will definitely not revive your bruised ego.

Such decisions as deciding when another should exit are not light.

Growing up is realising that some things are just not for us to even think we can just do nje cos we have rights. The world is not your mother's house where you can have your own way whenever. Chill...and stop getting angry like you aren't well in your head. Even thinking 'I could kill him' should just not go into your head when someone upsets you. Tantrums that lead to killing are just unacceptable...nogal killing one who was once a friend. 

Grow up,you can find other ways to find peace with whatever situation you're in. That person does not control you that much. 

The choices others make and how they affect me

Everyone in your life is living their own life. Sometimes one tends to forget this simple obvious fact of life. People make choices for their lives depending on what they feel is best for them. At times, the people in your life may make choices that may impact you negatively. At this point, one may run to the conclusion that they are bad people or that they are deliberately out to hurt you. 

This kind of thinking is what leads to you hurting more. I choose to believe it isn't so about me when I find myself at the painful side of a friend's decision. I believe my friend made a conscious choice to do what's best for them...of course they knew it may affect me negatively, but...one can't live their life soft-cushioning others. They also must do what they feel benefits them most.

As an adult, I teach myself to just be strong, maintain some decorum and never forget that I can remove myself from any situation I find unfavourable to my happiness. Sticks and stones may break my bones but others lives will never truly hurt me. That way, I can let people live their lives and do what's best for them.
It isn't about how they affect me. 

For the married man

I do not wish to be the fuel that reignites your love for your wife. With me being left empty and alone.

I do not wish to be your different experience. Your short break. Your naughty phase.

I also do not wish to be the reason another woman carries sadness in her eyes. The one that starts with doubt...even though she doesn't yet know. She will know when you have been with me. We are intuitive creatures. 

I am very aware I owe her nothing and my happiness is more important to me than hers. But I don't wanna 'win' over her in love. 

My logic tells me even if you stay with me and leave her,nothing will stop you from replacing me like you are attempting to do her.

I am not a side dish.

Your infatuation with me is flattering. On deeper thought thou, it becomes quite insulting.

You can't have me married man.

I am not that to you. 

You say you love me...I say,clearly not enough. Sort your ish out then come to me.

Mu sapoteni kana ni di bvise kha mafhungo awe

Ngoho huna zwinwe zwithu zwine sa vhathu ri sathu ambesa ri fanela u di sedzulusa ngoho. Ndi kho humbudziwa haya mafhungo nge munwe we nda vha ndi kho dzedza nae a mbo di thoma topic ya vhathu vha dzi single mothers vha jo kho dovha vhanwe vhana. A a kho amba nga munwe ane una thumbu ya vhuraru. Una vhana vhavhili already nga vho khotsi vho fhambanaho hoyo muthu.

Logic ini vhudza uri samusi hoyu muthu asa pengi atshi di vuwa a tamba a reila goloi aya mushumoni,zwi amba ha self destructive. Thumbu ndi zwinwe zwithu zwine ri songo di dowedza u zwi sola kana u zwi ambisa zwinwevho. Houla muthu sa nne na ini, uvha akho di to lala vho na muthu wawe vha kho difhelana.

 Avhavhi vha khori kha ri ite number 3 uri ini ni sale na nwana lini. Zwia vhavha badi u hwala thumbu uwothe,ndo no zwi experienca.

 Sa vhathu vha female,khari pfelane, ri sapotane. Ini vho no di vha na mashudu anu na sa vhe na thumbu na munna ano do shavha. Thanwe a fhedzisela a part ya life ya nwana. Asi nga vhutali hanu kana u konesa u manager situation lini, zwo di soko iteya. Na ula munwe vho,asi vhufevhi kana uto funesa u lila lini. Nae akho di to vha in love, zwa sa ite.

Zwino,munwe nwana ono vha na thaidzo dzawe,ni songo vha part yau mu engedzela mufhiso na stress na dzi December nngafha ngau soko dzula ni kho mu andadza na shango. Huna vhaaanzhisa vha no kho to bvisa dzithumbu. Vhanwe nivha ni kho sola navho. Uvhuya nai vhona thumbu heyo,o ita choice yau sa vhulaya nwana. Nne kha nne,o no n-dadza kale. Ua imela ndavha yawe. 

Renda wanga, marching on to grade 2

Renda, today your grade 1 report came out. 
Your 1st big school assessment. 
You passed!!!

I had held my breath for this result all day! I assess you on a whole different level to what the school system does. Its silly and pretty useless in the long run but it has to be done. You my dearest boy, did it and got thru this 1st of the 7 grades you will have to go thru before you go to a school system i prefer.

You are a bright boy with a fascinating mind. Mature even for your y years. Independent yet sweet and appreciative at the same time. Able to cower down and be Kea's donkey for hours on end. Yet able to assume big boy responsibilities when with the same Kea at the aquarium or park. Inquisitive about things only you like.
You understand in an incredible way what it means to allow people to live their lives. I love that about you!
Today,I celebrate you boy. Your first outside endeavor you took on your own. 
My very own son on your way to grade 2.
Mami is very very proud of you Renda.

Please return my Tupperware,its mine...lets just ne...please

Today I said something I never thought I’d find myself saying. As I was pulling out a Tupperware to put the leftovers from breakfast I’d just had with my friend, I turned to her from the kitchen and said ‘Dude, please bring back my tupperware’. She laughed cos…lets face it…duuude…It’s a container she used a few weeks ago to take some snacks we had. There was never an intent to not bring it back. But here we are, me missing one tupperware and noticing it cos I need it now.
I’ve heard these words before. Growing up, some adult aunt (the prissy one) would say them to another at a random time and an awkward silence would follow. The one who has the Tupperware probably just forgot to bring it back and were not like trying to steal it y’know.
Well, I was in that awkward position to say those dreaded words today.

 I myself try very hard to return people's stuff that may be left at my place as soon as possible. I don’t believe in finder’s keepers at this age. Like really, do you really think your friend is laughing off you finding keeping her designer sunglasses she forgot in your car as she sees you rockin them on Instagram? They cost R3000 and unless your friend is a Kardashian-like kinda person, its probably not an everyday purchase. 


That is how I feel about my Tupperware not being brought back. Am i now to buy a new set to avoid this embarrassing follow up? Its a lot of work. And very uncomfortable for me to even start the conversation that we shouldn't be having. The absence of one in my cut down collection of crap I shouldn't have too many of is an inconvenience to me. It doesn't matter that I can use another container, I shouldn't have to mix colours in my fridge.
So, let’s try by all means to return these kinda things and avoid awkwardness around us.

x

Choices and consequences

Not affording to do something and doing it is quite a dangerous game it seems. Take for example Chino. Chino is overweight (not obese) and wishes to lose weight and tone her body. Now look at Chino’s supper. 

A scrumptious Hudson’s burger with side sweet potato wedges. To down this, Chino orders a second extra long Long Island tea. Logic already shows you the amount of calories Chino is taking in at this time of the night is definitely not so for her wish to be leaner. With about 3500(possibly more) calories packed in her dinner tonight, well…lets see her burn it in one lousy Zumba session. This one meal alone, has the same amount of calories as she burns in…a week or so with the routine she does. That’s deep.

The result: Chino will be fat.

I guess the same goes for bank accounts. If Chino chooses to indulge in a new pair of crystal heels and she knows she’s dipping into credit by doing so…well…she’s gonna suffer the consequences later. Its gonna be ugly. And the friendly banker is gonna be the metaphorical cellulite on Chino’s bum(back), wanting the bank’s money plus interest.

Its all about choices. And acknowledging that for every choice we make. There are consequences. In everything, choose wisely.

 I am tempeted to use YOLO in both these instances...

*sips Long Island*

I don't wanna be buried

I don't wanna be buried. I don't want my son paying for an alarm device sitting on my tombstone. For him to wake up to a text when some freak decides to steal the vase of flowers he lovingly bought and brought to that morbid place called the cemetery. I don't want him ever having to debate with himself whether he is neglecting his mother by not going to her grave. 

There is absolutely nothing peaceful or calming about a cemetery(to me)...though it does beat a mortuary on the morbidity scale...its still pretty sad...or freaky...or other emotions not usually associated with happiness. Some people say they find solace in visiting where they buried their loved ones. The final resting place of the decomposed body they once loved.

I want my ashes scattered in the ocean. Preferably in Santa Maria. A charming little island off the coast of Mozambique. There's a stretch of beach where if you stand there, you can see the mainland, the sea and the ocean in one sweep of the eye. 

Absolutely beautiful place with Nemo-like coral reefs and actual playing dolphins that do that jumping outta the water without being prompted. I want to be scattered there. My mom says tradition won't allow such. I don't see tradition serving me in anyway now, so it has no say in how I want MY body disposed.

It will probably be very cost effective AND he can sommer take a healing holiday when he goes to throw my ashes into the eternity of the ocean. 

So wherever Renda goes in the world, he can choose to believe my ashes got there. Cos fact is, I will be with him in his heart always. And also with you if you choose to have me.

Common sense: Watch your diet

I have this irritating habit of trying to always help. I budge in with tidbits of advice at the most inappropriate times. I am working on it though, so I'll be fine...let people work through their own things. I have come to understand that sometimes people don't need my advice...just my ear.

Common sense is not always common. A cliche sentence mostly used to ridicule someone who does something considered silly by others that don't do it. Its one thing when someone is doing something with a full spectrum of what the consequences of that action will be versus someone who clearly may not have considered a certain result of that same action.

Like the thing of parents who don't take their girl children for birth control when they hit their teens. It may be a religion thing or refusing to accept that people live their own lives and their daughters may choose different paths to those they did or do they 'just not think their kids will have sex'? People don't discuss such things at coffee machines. Those who do think of it either choose to not do it for their own reasons or take the easy way out of premature grandchildren, birth control.

 One thing I wish someone had budged into my life with was the food issue. I used to eat a lot of junk. Pizza, cheeseburgers, rack ribs, pasta, steaks, dessert. If its bad for you, name it I had it in bulk. And that, at the most inappropriate times-evenings. Then I'd starve myself all day just to repeat the cycle the next night. Sometimes I'd be with Gugu, and she'd sit and drink warm water as I chugged down litres of Coke. To her, I knew what I was doing.

Well, I didn't. Sometimes people just don't know. I didn't know Coke had too much sugar and didn't really count as hydrating yourself. Now that I am more aware of such I notice when friends quietly cut out carbs from their lunches. Order water or gin instead of cocktails. Everyone does it. Its common sense. Being aware of what is going into your body.
When clothes start feeling tight, you drink lots of water, walk a bit more and cut down your portions. Its supposed to be common sense. Unfortunately for me, it wasn't.

So, I'm just saying...if you have your size 36 wardrobe and wanna keep it...when you feel you may have to buy a 38...make a conscious decision to cut down food portions, drink water, exercise a lil and you'll be back to normal in a few weeks. There I go dishing out advice again. Well...its not like I'm guiding you to jump off a cliff...so, its all well.

What's in a pronounciation

Hermes, Bvlgari, Yves Saint Laurent, Nike. Most of us are unsure how to pronounce all these words. Something as simple as Nike. An American brand; therefore the name is American. When they pronounce it, they draw out the 'e' like it has a 'y' at the end, so 'nigh-key'. I once said it that way and my friend was like 'dude, you haven't lived a day in the states and this is how you pronounce 'Nike'???

I got what he was talking about. But...is he really right? Something like Hermes...though silent letters aren't a new thing to my South African vocab, new words with silent characters are now just thrust at us via these China stockists who may or may not even know how to say the name themselves. So many sisters don't only carry a fake Hermes bag, they give the brand a whole new name...probably appropriate come to think of it. (It is pronounced 'air-mezz' by the way)...

Anyway, I digress.

My name is Tshinondiwa(Chi-noh-ndeeh-wah). I don't get a fit when someone calls me Cheesondiva (which happens more often that you'd imagine), however,in an effort to stop the butchering of my beautiful name, I correct the person. Many uncomfortable non-Vendas have had to wince their way thru my unique name on the phone. This while trying their best to sound totally unindending to insult me...it certainly isn't an Mpho or Sally. Not too many Tshinondiwa's around either. It is important to me that someone calls me properly. 

Though it may not stop bad relations between North Korea and South Korea, it is sorta important to me that I and mine don't disrespect the great creatives who gave these names to the brands that we now so love and wanna get. Its not being fake or twanging unnecessarily, its just calling it what it is. I mean...why not??? You don't call David 'duh-viyd' even though one who doesn't know the pronounciation may maybe say it.

All these words one can learn from flipping through a Vogue once in a while, or just good ol Google. Or going to the shops and asking them there...unless your shop is a friend who visited China and sold you a R50 bag for R2000.

As for those who believe it don't matter how I say it as long as I can afford it, good on you sister...I should have that bag instead. I respect it and its maker waaay more than you do. 

Happy Tuesday!

To Renda, on your 7th birthday.

And then I had sex without a condom and had a baby.

There's a guy who loves wriggling this fact into 90% of the conversations we have. We are living in an age where having sex without protection is not just irresponsible, its stupid. People that have unplanned pregnancies have only their stupidity to blame. Of course it happens and we carry it with grace and love it cos its there anyway. However, it is never ideal with all we have planned in our lives.

It is this irresponsible situation that led to me giving birth to my oracle. The very centre of me. Without whom I'd have completely spun out of control. I still can(I guess)...but, without ever feeling forced or too responsible, I stay on course for him...with him...because of him. Because he grounds me. 

Renda. For 7 years you have given me purpose my dear son. For 7 years, regardless of whats going on, remembering you makes life worth living. You make me wanna be better, get up, go on. You drive me.
I am because you are. Thank you for coming and staying. I love you very much.

Here's a few sentences I like to read often. Read them, meditate on them...if you like them...follow them.

• All things in life are temporary. If going well, they will not last forever.If going wrong, don’t worry, they can’t last long either.
• Friendship is like a BOOK. It takes a few seconds to burn, but it takes years to write. 
• Old friends are Gold! New friends are Diamond!If you get a diamond, don’t forget the gold! Because to hold 
  a diamond, you always need a base of gold.
• A blind person asked St. Anthony, “Can there be anything worse than losing eye sight?” He replied: “Yes, losing your vision!”
• WORRYING does not take away tomorrow’s TROUBLES, it takes away today’s PEACE.
• So why a car’s windshield is so large and the rear view mirror is so small? Because our PAST is not as important as our FUTURE. So look ahead and move on.

I've also found it is best to trust soap. Going through life being disgusted by everything makes you a dirty person in someway as time goes. Clean up and wash up.

W

Subtweeting...subfacebooking...just tell the person.

Subtweet is a word used to describe a subliminal reference to someone on Twitter. In short, someone dissing someone without directly referring to them. It is usually used in a negative sense as good tweets are mostly appreciated therefore people tag the people they're talking about. This happens on lots of social networks where status updates are setup...even BBM and Whatsapp! 

Apparently this was Winnie Modise's Whatsap status just before dumping her humble hubby. http://www.justcurious.co.za/2013/05/things-that-make-me-go-tjo-15/. To me, this is an example of a subtweet on whatspp . My overactive brain on reading this leaned towards the thought that she may have been referring to her hubby in this status...mara one never can be sure...

I guess some of these subtweet-ers (and subfacebook-ers) are scared of speaking to these 'some people' they refer to in their updates. Its so disturbing. I mean, here I am going to my BBM or Facebook, seeing a dear friend has a new profile picture, check it out its a huge fat finger pointing directly at me with silly text under it like 'You claim to love me but you diss me' or a status about friends that should keep their advise to themselves when I am aware the day before you had come to me with your troubles and heard my opinion...or even when I haven't done anything - these posts just leave a bitter taste in my mouth. 

Like, for what? Threaten the person you have issues with, don't unsettle your other friends. 

I respect and appreciate a friend who doesn't take our tiffs or even wars to social networks. Start posting 'Some people...(fill in with whatever difference you had with them)'. It shows they are mature...and their life doesn't revolve around our tiff.

The tiff with that person should not warrant such a reaction that you wish to document in your online world so your future great grand kids can see what a whiner you were just because a friend did not say what you wanted them to say? You may start contradicting these carefully selected affirmations you downloaded from the internet. You see statuses that say the person doesn't care about these 'some people'. However they took time to find a suitable jabbing update directed at the same people they don't care about...a bit too much attention is being focused the very things you are supposed to not be caring about.

When I get sub-facebooked I immediately delete this friend cos I feel I do not have to subject myself to attacks of a coward hiding behind motivational speakers words or worse, bible verses that are now twisted to be directed at me. Speak to the people who you have issues directly.

I guess a way to avoid being led to the subtweeting hell is to avoid people that bring bad feelings to you. Unfollow them, hide them...just don't stoop so low as to fill your online timeline with hate letters to people you 'don't care' about that you can't deliver directly to them...

or see a therapist...seriyas.

A lil about me...I'm shy...did you know?

Being so outspoken,there's something lotsa people don't believe about me. I am very shy.
I walk fast and face down wherever I go. To avoid looking at people...I'm quite awkward at interacting with new people...or too many people at the same time.
I am an introvert. I recharge from within...from being in my shell. So too much interaction drains me. Extroverts recharge from being around people. Parties and crowds are their thing. Because I have a lot of friends, most would assume I am an extrovert. Those who know me know I am most comfortable in smaller, quieter environments.

Its also extremely easy to embarass me. I blush furiously if sex is being discussed around me. Toilet humour too. I was so grateful for my pigmentation today when a friend decided to overshare with me. 1st the process of waxing a woman's privates-complete with a drawing for visual aid...then he went on to explain his 'chest carpet'. I was embarrassed by the grossness of that picture I couldn't look him in the eye for the rest of the day.
That's a little about me.

Compose yourself

One lesson that Mama has been patiently waiting for me to grasp is self composure in the workplace. I'm a very emotional person and what I feel you shall know immediately. I also had a tendency of being too naive and taking things too damn personally.

Because of these feelings on my sleeve, I have found myself in throngs of heartache and anger over events that happen in the workplace. Mama has countless times reminded me that I'm there to do my work and nothing else. Not to make friends, not to be liked, just my to do my work. 

I just didn't get how one can 'separate' from who they are. My very professional-yet-friendly colleague confided in me that she was also the same many years ago. She assured me that I would get it if I applied myself to it...I am finally trying it out...it works.

There will come times when you and your colleagues have differences. Try not to take things at the office too personally. A colleague who goes and bad mouths you or gives you a bad review might not necessarily hate you. People are allowed to mention if your work is not up to scratch. If you know you're doing your job, oppose this bad mouthing with proof that you are doing what you said you would do at your interview. Its also a good idea to set up regular meetings with whoever you report to just to find out if you are on the right track, this to avoid finding out that your hard work is not visible only at appraisal time.

Too many irrelevant things and drama may distract you from fulfilling your obligation to the company that pays you. Don't let it. Do remember that we are in a period where having a job is a privilege and one like me knows not to take it for granted.

Emotions are fleeting and whimsy and have no place in a professional environment. What one needs there is to work. Be committed and do what you are paid to do. No one pays you to 'feel' good about the company. It is a plus, but not the main reason for you being there.

Besides negative emotions at the workplace, we could also make friends. This is all good and well til a personal issue comes along to the office. Should you choose to buddy up in the office, be aware that when your relationship sees red, this will affect your work life. I always jokingly mention that I was alone in my interview...which is true. I am there to work, not to make friends. 

So, chin up. Go to work, keep track of what you're doing and remember, no one hates you...if they do...well...that's their issue. All that concerns anyone in the office when it comes to you is your work. If they think of you more than that...haike, they're on their own. 

Go get that 5/5 review babe!

Friendzone

Friendzoning is a horrible term used to describe a relationship between two people where the one wishes to be more than friends and the other just wants to remain friends. This situation may occur without either party intending for it to happen. You know how it is with matters of the heart...sometimes it may be just lust. What bothers me about such situations is that, sometimes the one party leads the other on just to friendzone them in the end. Might be for the thrill...maybe they're just flirts...maybe even just to keep their friend close enough in case they decide to go for it at a later, thirstier stage.

Either way, being led on and then friendzoned is plain mean...and humiliating to the one who fell for their friend.

I have been friendzoned before. By a friend who lured me into thinking of him as more than a friend. I have many male friends, some I share a bed with without any naughty business happening. I KNOW when a man is making moves on me. 
I blushed and squirmed out of all the inappropriate, exciting and secret lil compliments and quips he'd throw my way. Some where naughty, others were downright Hallmark moments. He got me.

When I met him I never was thinking of him as anything other than 'someone I know'. We'd chat mostly when the mutual friend who introduced us brought him over and I hardly remembered his name til he was in front of me. That was over three years ago. Fast forward to 2012, mutual friend isn't in the city no more and I hardly saw him much...then one day I did...and he literally lit up. Genuinely delighted to see me, as was I. 

This was the beginning of getting to know each other more...I liked it and so did he. There were the usual lil commentaries passed to establish whether territory was enter-able and we both affirmed that we were free agents. Great! 

After that came the period of full on flirting. It was exhilarating. I happily played along waiting for him to make a move. I am that old fashioned...he didn't make a move. He just hung there...in the middle.
Why would he do such? A loss of interest? Waiting for me to make a move? Cos Jesus of the white people KNOWS I hadn't played thaaat hard to get. 

Why whet my appetite just to leave me high and dry?

Friendzoning happens for many reasons I have come to realize. It may be that the guy is just not attracted to the woman in THAT way...or he knows he wouldn't be serious if he did get with her and would therefore jeopardize the friendship.

Or the guy just enjoys being bait...the chase has flipped on us as the years have gone ladies. This is true for most women across the spectrum. Married women chasing husbands that seem allergic to home, women in relationships buying the men they live with so they stay on, Ben 10s...there's all sortsa chasing going on around. Relationships where both partners are equally into the other are getting fewer and more far in between...with most of the misbehaving coming from the male partners. 
Tata says he friendzones and flirts with women all the time too. His reasoning is that sheling (asking her out) is 'incriminating'. As in, should he decide he doesn't want her anymore, he'd have to 'break up' with her if he had asked her out. Whereas, if they just land in bed together, he doesn't have to 'break up' or be accountable to her. Sooo mean. Maybe I am paying for Tata's sins here. However, he also conceded that sometimes he's just too chicken to make a move. After this he suggested I make a move...NOOO.

I do not enjoying chasing. I am also past the stage of wanting to be chased when I am sure the man is who I want to be with. We are adults, we should be able to have adult conversations around such issues. I don't stand in anyone's doorway. I am either in or out. I do not appreciate people standing in my doorway either.

Sadly,a friend of mine took the bull by the horns recently and it turned out the guy,who was sending all sorts of explicit texts to her couldn't back up his texts...or couldn't practice what he preached...or...just sent them cos he could? But why? To test her 'thirst' levels? 

As a friend, I feel you shouldn't lead your friend on. Its embarrassing, unnecessary and quite mean. Loving a person you have come to call a friend is one of the hardest things to let go off and still keep the friendship. I wouldn't have  fallen for him and we would have continued our amicable friendship without such complications. Maybe he was just a flirt, maybe I was just thirsty for him...but between me and him, we KNOW he led me on.

Perhaps by writing this piece and having my feelings out there, I will be able to pick myself off the dirty floor he left me on, raise my chin and walk off. 

I won't be chasin no man.