Saturday, 17 May 2014

My house rules.

One of my biggest peeves is nonchalant diggers of the nose. Especially in my house. I...just don't even know what to say or do when I see it happen. My eyes have this thing of never missing the action. Time slows down as the digger raises their hand...manicured or rough, lifts the index finger and aligns it with nose hole. Inserts it. 
The horror! 
At the point when they're about to remove the finger, I sort of look away (by divine grace), so I don't get to catch at glimpse of their prized boogie.  Then I watch them roll it, and ultimately, satisfied with their perfectly rounded boogie-art, flick it...somewhere, who cares where??

Most times its  onto my rug, my prized white wool rug. I know at this moment that regardless what time they leave, I will be up and taking the rug out for a vigorous, unhappy shake. The image never leaves my mind!
Why do people do that though? Renda sometimes does it. I don't know where he learnt it, but I've seen him do it. I tell him to get tissue cos his finger isn't tissue. No matter how many times or how good you stick your finger in your nose, it will never be tissue! I'd just like for you to be considerate when you visit me and not flick your boogers on my couch or floor or anything. Its ok if you use your finger for  cleaning your nose, its your right...but please, then don't touch my stuff. I don't want your sticky nose excrement-dust on my remote or house. You must admit, it does look shiny....that's cos I like it that way, no dust, no boogers. I hope you're ok with this friend. I love you.

And please don't fart nje freely in my house. Hold it til you go out or to the bathroom. Seriously. I don't do it with you there mos. Why do you feel so free with me vele? What is it about my demeanor that has you thinking it is ok to do such in my presence? Decorum honey. You will NEVER be that close to me. 
 I do not wonder about the sounds and smells your bum is capable of producing. Especially while we're sitting on my couch...when suddenly random tremors happen to me and have me wondering what's up...I mean, c'mon! This goes for both ladies and men. Its disorientating. Don't ever be that free...I must be allowed to not be exposed to things I find unsettling in the place I use most of my money at shouldn't I?
It will take away from the amazing experience I try to give you just for gracing my house love!

Don't demand I give you my stuff either. Its mine. I cannot afford you. Lets be nice friends. As a single mother, I cannot donate stuff I use to you. Ever. 
Selfish, silly, tight fisted, whatever you wanna label it...just...don't take me for that friend with excess. I really am not her. 

And don't dirty my house. Don't be a pig. Such a spic n span house and you splash stuff all over? Really?
Y'know...home training is meant for adults. Not kids. Teach your kids to leave people's stuff alone. I am THAT person that doesn't want you to touch their soap an won't touch yours either. Its mine....please just allow.
I do give a lot. Wait friend, maybe I'm gonna offer. Don't take my stuff. You don't look like Renda, don't be acting like I gave birth to you.

Treat my house like you'd treat the house of a guy you like who likes you that you are visiting the first time. But do remember, we aint 'pleasin each other boo'...behave yourself. Or just don't come. I am perfectly capable of enjoying its charms out of your presence. *holy houuuuuse*

I hope this isn't me being 'uptight' 'again'. Cos if that's how you see it...eehhh...I don't know how not to be uptight and you may do well by replacing me in your life ju see. Can things be different from now on please. Pretty Thanks *blows kisses*

So...that's me...and my house rules. Do you have any?

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