Sunday, 30 June 2013

I still have that my higher power?

I grew up in church. First it was the Catholic church where I was introduced to a chilled God that was just happy I came to church and that I never forgot to pray before eating or going to bed. I said my Hail Mary's and occasionally put on my rosary. All was bliss.When I was a bit older, my mother joined a charismatic church. There, I was introduced to a strict God. There was loud music, excessive clapping of hands AND if you could speak gibberish louder than the other spirit filled people, you were given a platform.
Even the preachers were not as soft spoken as the ones at the Catholic church. They literally drummed the word in me...I believed it was because they feared if I didn't get it God would NOT be impressed with me. As I said, I hadn't been introduced to this sour faced God before.
The best thing about this new church was that they emphasised Hope. Maybe I was just too young to hear the words of hope at the previous church...or maybe the pastors weren't dramatic enough for me to get how God literally works in people and can make people I know dance strangely and fall and all other physical manifestations of God's presence I got to see at this new church. The new church also went on for much longer than the Catholic church and seemed this God needed a lot of money...all.the.time. My mom loved it!

As the years passed I continued joining more charismatic churches as I wandered from city to city. I got to a point where I was convinced I had found what I needed. I truly was cool with God. That was my main goal. To be pleasing to God. I had been taught and had also read that He had big plans for me and He came through for those that pleased Him. At times I didn't get why in His all might He didn't block bad things coming to one like me who I am sure He was aware was trying by all in my humanness to please Him and walk in His way.

See, church provided solace, a reminder that God is there with me and there are people who believe the same things I did and supported each other. The bible is law here, God the ultimate leader. You follow Jesus and only Jesus. You may use your common sense...just as long as it doesn't in any way challenge what was written many years ago by saints. It does not matter that these saints were human. The stories about the bible Headquarters in Rome having dished out the books to serve their political purposes and promote the Christian religion do not deter any die hard Christians from their beliefs. As I said,any common sense that seems to challenge the bible may have you labelled as one possessed with evil spirits.
I immersed myself in God and had Hope. Not for a perfect existence, but for one not riddled with landmines. I stayed away from trouble and was determined to please God. Apparently Napoleon Bonaparte said, “A leader is a dealer in hope." My dealer aint coming through.

Hope comes into play when our circumstances are dire- Dr. Barbara L. Fredrickson

Hope System

I have been going through a rough patch that has recently intensified. I prayed about it, I clung to Hope and believed. All this is vain. I then started thinking....perhaps this is a vuk'uzenzele(wake up and do it yourself) situation. No God is gonna come and save me. Its up to me to make the changes in my life that I want to see. This realisation was like a slap in the face for me. Perhaps my staunch beliefs had rendered me lazy...or maybe I was lazy cos I believed the Messiah would come swoop me off my feet and make it all well in a flash. That isn't how things work though.
So now I wonder...why is God present in times of getting recognition and praise? When I mess up, Jeremiah 29:11 [For I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you] doesn't apply. However, when things go well, with my efforts, I am not the main culprit anymore, God was there. I think its sort of unfair. I may not blame God for my actions though He has plans for me and knew before I did things that I would do them and they would burn me...or that someone else would burn me. I wouldn't plan for Renda's pain. That's sinister to say the least.

So I decided there isn't a God in the way I had understood it and my religion may be the biggest human invention ever. One which thrives on us humans carrying it on, embracing it and polishing it. Hiding dents and scratches and just making sure it stays on...cos it makes us feel good. I can't lie, it does. It gives hope, i love Hope.
However, I have decided I don't want to follow the bible as literally as before anymore as it is one contradictius book. However there's a catch in my new choice. Belief in a higher power does wonders when one as a human feels low. The bible has always been my source of strength. I even have a box of prayers that a friend made for me. This was because Christians are urged not to harp on and on about the same things to God. I dunno...maybe it may irritate God cos he's already heard you...or...I dunno, it just is. So I decided when I feel I have prayed about something too many times, I write it down and throw it in the box. I was hoping God in His omnipotence would get what the Prayer Box was about and not mind my trying to not irritate Him. It sure did give comfort and Hope believing that tomorrow would be a better day cos God would step in.

I cannot positively say there has been any miracles that have occurred in my life. Yes, a lot of amazing things have happened, with God getting the honours for them...but honestly, it was either cos my mother stepped in, or I stepped up to it myself. How is it a miracle that I get work? When I needed a job, I was the first person on all career websites every morning with my blackberry sending out my cv and attending interviews. When I'm in a runt, its up to me to get up and sort it out...ask the bank for an overdraft, get on my knees and scrub the dirt...when its all clean...praise guaaard. That's just not on.
My friend has been in the same company over 10 years doing a silly job she doesn't even like. Last year she decided to make trinkets in bulk cos she's very creative and boom, a business started. Praise needed to go through a crappy 10 years to be fortified? Why does God allow pain to 'fortify' one? Naaah.

As I search for a new religion...or a new source of strength...I'm scared and think I may be losing my marbles.I keep starting to say 'God will...' then a voice in subconscious, says...But you don't believe in God. I still involuntarily say a prayer before I eat, when I wake up and when I go to bed. Its like breathing...I can't not do it.
So last night,I found myself crying. In the past,I'd cry out to God...but seeing that I don't know who God is anymore and would rather not entertain an entity that steps up only when there's praise to be had...well,I found myself just crying. A thought came to me...since I'm to blame myself when I get into sticky situations...and I have to get myself out anyway, maybe I should cry out to myself.
I'm upset with myself for not realising this sooner. I cry too long and wait too long in vain everytime before realising, heeey...vuk'uzenzele.

When one has no choice but to be strong,one finds that support is quite a luxury.Each minute that passes is an achievement at this point.There's no way this isn't fortifying. The difference here to what I used to believe is that there aint no plan to sort me out from a God. From the onset of this crap I am aware that I have to make a plan to get out. With no belief in deities,the only thing I do have is determination to survive. A built-in instinct in us humans.
Strangely,I rather feel I wouldn't mind returning to a state of nothingness. I have done my part in this world, even played the most important role women have, given birth. Ensured I added a +1 to ensure the continuity of our human race. But,something in me keeps celebrating each passing minute. I am therefore subconsciously very aware that it could be otherwise with each passing minute.
Its a strange place to be.

I still don't have answers...the journey continues.

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