Sunday, 19 August 2012

Accepting love

I love too much, too quick, too nauseating. I'm also a very selfish person when I choose who I love. MY mother!MY son!MY friend. That's me. I love so tight it suffocates the love-ee. Today, someone I love said something so profound,it rattled me.
When a person I love doesn't pick up my call or respond to my texts immediately, I flip. Well, not immediately-immediately...but,wait 5 hours before responding to my text and if you've known (and bared with me) long enough, you KNOW the 1st 20minutes of that conversation is gonna be me whining. I am unlearning this irritating behaviour.
Today, after I had a mad fit at being called back 7hours later,I was told 'Chino,you get mad cos I don't respond to you immediately, what you fail to realise is that I aint going nowhere'. That did it. That's what I wanted to hear. You aint going nowhere. I started to ask myself if perhaps I'd been left too much that I was so paranoid always with people I love, scared they'll leave me. I can't believe I've spent so much time on shrink's couches and this never came out. It isn't obvious to me that people that seem to love me aren't gonna leave,unfortunately.
I say people that 'seem' to love me cos it takes long for me to know or see that a person loves me. It takes really long. Only recently did I notice(realise) that Gugu loves me. My mentor was like, Chinooo,didn't you know all along?  I didn't,apparently she has for long. Heeheheehe. When I realised this, I looked at all my friends and truly appreciated how much they actually do love me. Me, I'm loved by people I
I find it hard to believe. As much as I am confident and believe I'm worth love, I've never really opened myself up to it outside my family.

This is not an invitation for anyone without a psychology degree to go to town on diagnosing my head problems by the way. There's a reason people study all those years to earn such diagnosing rights y'know. (If you do feel a need to place a disorder on my name,I suggest you also see one of these professionals,I always have one on speed dial)
I intend to work on accepting love. Yes, some people are malicious and will hurt me. But as much as I urge others to accept love, I need to learn that myself. You know, everything is easier said than done. I'm so sensible and have so much good to advice, mainly cos I have spoken to enough smart people( God throws these all along my path) and reading the bible. If I followed all this sensibility, I wouldn't think I have as much issues as I seem to think I have or attract. But then again...maybe I learn from these very experiences...maybe this is what they call growing up. Coming into your own. Finding myself within myself. I think that's what it is. Cos all these lessons, when I think of it...they seem to start somewhere far,in my life, and only now do they make sense.
What a journey.

Right now, I wish I had baby photos of me to put for maybe even just 5 stages of my life. Alas, with all the moving and leaving things everywhere, I don't have any pictures of myself as a child.

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