Its 366 days to my 30th birthday!!! I have been looking forward to 30 for a bit now. Somehow I just feel like the closer I get to 40 the better a person I will be. Y'know, truly comfortable in my own skin, empathetic cos I'll have been thru it all..that kinda stuff.
There is a lot of silliness that comes with the 20s. Its just how it is. Granted, there are very mature 20-29 year olds...however, I feel this is the time where one is finding them self, the career starts, most steady relationships start here, kids are had, people get married and divorced...so so much happens in the 20s.
The past 10 years for me have been one big rollercoaster. I started working, lost a child, lived in Sunnyside, met amazing friends, had another child, more amazing friends, become morbidly obese, been checked into a mental health facility, been jobless, and finally, silence. The past 4 years I have been privileged enough to be mostly alone. This is something most people never quite experience on the scale I have. Some may see it as a low...but not me, now. Were it not for this time of listening, I truly doubt I would think the way I do now. Initially I fought it, complained, bargained with God for a better life. I would see what other people allowed me to see of their lives, bliss, companionship, growth in every way imaginable. I was so envious.
It was only recently that I realised what I do have. I have managed to build my bubble with only me and God in it. Its stable and I'm secure in it. I know myself. I've decided to go into my 30s as the kinda 30year old that will grow into the 40year old I wish to be. You've probably noticed I like 40year olds...I do. I think 40year old women and men are so sexy, exude confidence without the arrogance that 30year olds usually carry. 40 year olds are done with show-offs and are content...usually.
This time next year, I will not be a fat person who chain smokes and spends her entire salary in one weekend. The last few weeks have had me being completely honest with myself about the crap that I fill my life with. I live alone, have access to so much that can actually grow me and I have the freedom to do it. I mean, soon I'll be staying with Renda and will not have this much time on my hands. So I'm going to study and take up an interesting hobby.
I am not excited about tomorrow. I am usually already singing Happy Pre-Birthday to myself and forcing presents out of people. This year, I'm actually hoping some people will forget. I'm not into it. Well...I might get upset if some people forget...but yeah... I wish it was over already.
I don't want to party, I don't want to be visited, I just want the same typa weekend I always have.
Yeah, happy birthday to me tomorrow. I'm so glad I won't be at work and have to either be rude to nice people who would come to wish me a happy birthday or have to fake smile all the while. I told the Three S's to also not try and surprise me again. I am just not in the mood. Try not piss me off from my home. I mean, unless you're sending gifts...whoohooo.
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