Saturday, 29 December 2012

Doing 2013 differently

Since I'm trying to fix my life up, I want to now change the way I live...literally. I never plan. I always say planning is boring and a very big assumption that you will be there on that day. As a result, the day arrives...I'm still alive and I don't have the thing I lusted for. I just leave things. Never stress. Say zwia fana (which as Dembe puts it means same shit different laxatives).

Making time for God daily was a great thing to do when I did it proper. I really should get back to seeking His heart. Wanting to his right under his armpit, do His will. Being under His wing does not mean being irresponsible, on the contrary, its quite the opposite. God equips us with brains to use not to say 'God will take care' while being silly.

I really wanted to go to Mozambique...but I didn't save nor get my butt off to Home Affairs to get a temporary passport. I missed out. And now I'm sitting on my smoking-stoep at my mother's house in the blistering Venda heat while I could've been lying on a beach in Santa Maria with the gorgeous Davidan attending to my every whim.Every.

I want to go into 2013 with a different attitude towards my life. Planning and working towards losing weight and seeing results just showed me that I CAN do things. I CAN when I focus.I CAN!!
I will plan my life. Write down what I want, see it daily and work towards it. I have actually already started with the mood board thing. Just never used it and only look at it for prettiness. 
I want to plan my days for coming home and when Renda is coming. 
Use my flippen diary and calender. I did it for a stint at Standard Bank and boy was that a growth spurt in my career! 
I will have different accounts for all these expenses that I just do without thinking twice knowing that if I run out, Standard Bank got my back. 
Its nonsense. Irresponsible. Not something to be proud of even. Free spirit or not, a 29 year old mother with responsibilities cannot continue on like that.

I want to study. What thou? See, the indecisiveness has kicked in. BULL! I need to study something that is ME. I can still do it. If I put my mind to it, work hard(literally feel it)...I can have a career that I'm content with. As a child, I never dreamt of an 8-5 job. I never saw myself sitting on (even) a red leather swivelling chair in a glass corner office (ala Janet Jackson in that irritating movie that bastardised a beautiful stage play by {white woman} Ntozakhe Shange;For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf). I really didn't. By God's grace, I studied IT and it being so dynamic, I am always learning and that keeps it exciting. Funny how I never thought of a different career before...I guess its growing up.

I didn't dream of being married either. Do people REALLY dream of being married as children? Don't those who say that mean they wish it when they're older and see others doing it? Or a wedding rather...When you dream it as a child with no boyfriend, who do you picture standing by you at the alter? Hmmm...I'd put Ashton Kutcher...well, I didn't know him when I was younger...I'd probably have put JubJub or McCauley Culkin...
I digress.

I dreamt of GOING to the places I travelled to in the pages of books. I read like a friggin monster as a child. I didn't read Mills&Boon, I read The Great Gatsby, Ngugi wa Thiong'o, Chinua Achebe, Steve Biko!
I want to go to Spain!
I always want to do these things, I have been blessed with a job that does give a decent pay and if I handle my money better, I could save up and do the things I always lust for. It matters.

With love...well, I am quite unlucky in that department. Its not ok,but it is because it is what it is. Accepting and embracing a life alone has been hard. I keep reminding myself of spinsters that I know that don't even have kids. It gets quite lonely at times. My friends (bless their hearts) are always there and if you didn't know, you'd think I'm talking to a boyfriend when they go into the support mode. That is the only part that I will not focus on as it does take a lot of energy and...well...the part about me being unlucky *bleeehh* 
Friends, this doesn't mean I won't go into those depressing funks that I go into...just remind me to focus when I do waste energy on such.

I am on and on about me first. I have realised putting myself first and working on me is the best way for me to make Renda's life better. He deserves a responsible mother. He's so responsible himself and I'm not setting a good example for him living the way I am. My reckless life is one of the main reasons I avoid kids. I get so hurt when a child hurts that I'd rather avoid kids to save THEM.